Time has passed, though. I’m back at work and feeling altogether more like a capable human being. I’m optimistic.
I had a good — if not perfect — appointment with my CDE. My A1c is up a bit, but it’s still surprisingly decent, so I’m trying not to be too hard on myself. We tweaked some basal rates and insulin/carbohydrate ratios to even things out a bit. Also, I brought the Magpie along to the appointment to help deflect any bad vibes. It worked.
I took advantage of the fact that I’d met my deductible for the year and ordered a fresh transmitter for my CGM system, so I’m looking forward to more accurate and consistent readings.
And really, I never thought being at work could feel so liberating. Now I have time for the luxury of blood sugar checks — all day long. I can even check my blood sugar without having to balance my meter case on top of the baby that’s in my lap. I can look things up on my phone or the internet to see how many carbohydrates they have. I can put those carbohydrate calculations into my pump before I eat my food! And then I can actually eat it! After that, I can focus for extended periods of time about things besides nap schedules and diaper sizing and Words With Friends.
When I’m in the office, I can almost feel my health insurance around me like a protective blanket. Even though I was still on the books the entire time I was on maternity leave, I kept expecting to order an insulin refill and discover that my coverage had lapsed. Now I’m surrounded by (mostly) covered sensors and infusion sets, and seeing the FSA funds subtracted from my paycheck makes me feel safe and happy.
And then when I get home, there’s a pair of chubby legs to gnaw on and a little spherical head of silky blond hair to wash in the sink, and it feels less like a chore and more like the old comfortable routine to add up a few dozen grams of carbohydrates or change an infusion set.
For now — for just this tiny second — I feel like I really have everything I need, with the exception of a functioning pancreas, of course.