I Don’t Want to Talk About It

The week of my discontent started last Wednesday, when I plopped myself down in front of the computer for another highly anticipated hour of Diabetes Social Media Advocacy on Twitter. I was all jazzed up to chat with my PWD DOC BFFs, ready to discuss all the diabetes crap that I can’t discuss with many others, to make jokes about D-Prom and Blünt Lancet and Diet Coke addictions.

But then the first question rolled in, and I just. Couldn’t. Do it. This wave of apathy and disinterest and boredom and frustration hit me with all the intensity of a 32 mg/dl blood sugar. I shut down Firefox and relocated to the couch, and all I kept thinking was, “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

Make no mistake — the Diabetes Online Community has been a Godsend for me. I’ve made new friends (even though I haven’t actually met them yet), picked up a few management tricks, and have been able to face the unrelenting monotony of diabetes with more optimism than ever. But, just like diabetes itself, the DOC is large. Omnipresent. Perpetual. And as grateful as I am to have a merry band of kindred souls on call 24/7, sometimes I need a break. It sounds corny, but there are times when I feel like I’m carrying the weight of the entire diabetes universe. A few hours on Twitter yields a constant stream of others’ out-of-control blood sugars, infusion site malfunctions, sick diabetic children, mismatched CGM readings, complication updates — and on especially terrible days — reports of those who’ve lost their lives to Type 1. It’s a lot of diabetes to soak in, you know?

On the other hand, if I go a few days without checking in on Twitter, or a week without updating my blog, I feel almost as guilty as if I’d tossed my insulin pump aside. It’s hard to keep up sometimes, and it’s hard to jump back in when you’ve been out of the loop — even if it’s all in your head. I mean, I know I can turn to the DOC when I want to talk about diabetes, but who do I talk to when I want to talk about how I don’t want to talk about diabetes? (Does that even make sense?)

I’m not going anywhere, of course. As long as I have Type 1, I’ll need a place to vent and bitch and connect and cajole. I guess I’m just wondering if it’s possible that this is the one d-related emotion that I’m alone with.

I love y’all, and I’m glad that we’re united by this weird-o disease. Sometimes, I just wish we were united by something else instead.

Here is a picture of my cat, posted just because he has nothing to do with diabetes.

21 comments on “I Don’t Want to Talk About It

  1. VirtueB says:

    I get that too… and I was worried I was the only one!

    But I came to the conclusion that it is not much different from taking a break from any other part of my social life. Sometimes you want to go out all weekend with your friends and other times you need alone time.

    I think if you recognize you need a break, then you should unapologetically follow that instinct.

  2. Meghan says:

    I soooo get that all the time. No worries. It’s just like when you have the opportunity in life to explain to teach someone about Type 1 (usually because they’re saying “You can’t eat that!”), sometimes you feel like saying “Hey, actually, I can with this nifty pump thing and a little combo bolus.” and sometimes you just let it slide because if you were to open your mouth you’d say “Who are you? The diabetes police? You don’t know the first thing about living with this!”

  3. talesofmy30s says:

    What VirtueB said – sometimes the DOC is awesome, sometimes there is just a need to walk away from it all for a few hours (or a few weeks LOL) – just like other parts of my social life.

    • Lorraine says:

      I TOTALLY need a break sometimes. Not from the people, just from talking about the same stuff. I like to be able to talk to the same people about non-D stuff because I like these people. It’s nice when we chat about other stuff.

      You are not alone. And the beauty is, you CAN walk away and come back whenever you want to open arms. 🙂

  4. Fiona says:

    I have that feeling too. I think it’s the same underlying issue that makes employers have vacation benefits. People just need a break sometimes and going away for awhile gives you fresh eyes when you come back.

  5. Patrick McConnell says:

    I feel your pain, there are times when it seems to much like hard work to to talk about “D”, but I find the DOC to be a great source of inspiration (as I know you do), and I for one (and I know there are others) would miss your Comments (bitchin or otherwise), tweets, and sense of humor………

  6. Kerri. says:

    There are a few people I’ve met through the DOC that I’ve completely stopped talking about diabetes to. They’re a comfortable part of the friend rotation … only when I’m dinner with them, I know I can always bum a test strip if I need to. 😉

    I totally understand the need for a DOC break. It’s possible to get burnt out on more than just the diabetes management part of diabetes.

  7. Sysy Morales says:

    I feel the same and often march away from the computer only to creep back over to it again. My husband thinks I’m crazy. I tell him it’s just overwhelming to feel everyone’s pain. Thanks for this post.

  8. Cherise says:

    I agree 110% girl-do I understand!!

    we all need a break. we all need to walk away. when you take a break let someone know so we won’t be worried:)

  9. I get it. Sometimes I feel too consumed by D and start thinking…wait there is more to life!? Right?..

    If u ever wanna shoot the shit about non d stuff..just holla 🙂


  10. April says:

    Holly and I were just talking about this recently. Even our meetups (well, we have only had one so far, planning more) leave me feeling that way. It’s so overwhelming sometimes, I wrote on my blog that I need a “breather” day from Diabetes afterward.

    So your cat is pretty awesome 😉

  11. Trev says:

    I can see this, I often go to bed thinking crap, my D, My 2 kids D, I work as a D educator, wholly flippin D already! But I value the connection, and understand the need for respite. Nijabetic blog is great, he posted a totally non-D youtube video about cats skidding around the corner. I watched it and totally LMAO. Take care.

  12. Kaitake says:

    I hear ya! Sometimes I just need a break too. But it’s always nice to know everyone is still here. Your kitty cat is super cute and regal looking 🙂

  13. I’m glad for this post and for your transparency. Thank you.

  14. Hell Cat says:

    Oh man, do I understand…this. Not just, of being being “disconnect” but of simply not being connected. At all. Ever. I can’t make it better. I can try, but it’s like living with this huge precense that lives in the exact space, but even more than that, it takes up the place that should be safe. You know. Even if it’s something, like taking a long, hot forget the world bath after doing something completely out of the norm and downing half a small bottle of wine.

    You know it’s bad. You get it. But sometimes, some moments, you mentally don’t connect to the world around you – on a diabetes, or stress, or diabetically stressed life. And you need to go outside your usual social circle and just speak of some of the most inconsequential tidbits of life. Like, say, the color of that lovely angora, fuzzy, soft sweater you saw at Macy’s – pretending that you can afford it, that your meds aren’t bankruptable – and for once, you’re just like every.one.else. There’s no invisible delination and you’re not left feeling alone in a sea of people.

    Sometimes, sometimes, we all wanna belong to the masses of relatively healthy people and not think that the insurance companies don’t want to kill most of us cause our medicines cost $120 bucks a vial, even though we’re not in control of that. Sometimes it’s fun to just look at TV and laugh like a loon when Alex P. Keaton manages to hit on a Boston cream pie. Without feeling guilty.

  15. Karen says:

    What they said. I’m in the midst of my own “I can’t talk about this any more” dry spell. Not writing, not posting In the Zone pics, not doing anything more than doing my own management. (And I’m impressed I’m still slogging through that.)

    Sometimes it’s nice to have it not all be about the disease. That’s why I read copious design blogs.

  16. Caroline says:

    Oh my GOODNESS, you have said exactly what has been brewing in my own heart for a long time. It makes me feel guilty sometimes– that I genuinely adore and care for so many people in the DOC and yet I don’t want to interact with them because I’m just going to start absorbing the cloud of diabetes stress/depression/angst/frustration/anger/festeringnegativeemotions that we all share.

    Can we have another No-D Day? Or, like, a voluntary No-D Day?

    • Yeah, I think we need a freaking month of No-D stuff. The funny thing is that (as far as I can tell), we’re all pretty funny, nuanced, interesting people — we SHOULD be talking about other things!

  17. take time to breath – you need it

  18. FatCatAnna says:

    I totally understand what you are saying there! I’m still new to this D-OC that is predominantly American and sometimes find it a tad bit clicky as an outsider of your country. Don’t get me wrong – that’s okay -was used to that at school – the girl with the strange accent (born in UK) – but sometimes all the D-talk can take over our lives. So, I’m “trying” to take a break from it all more now – but it’s hard when I work in the diabetes area to begin with. So, TGIF, brain shuts down on outside D-life as there’s more to life – there is beer – peanuts – beer – jokes – beer farts – tequila shots ….

  19. Sarah says:

    You’re right on with this post. It’s weird to feel all at once that: 1)it’s so awesome to have all kinds of dweeps all around all the time, 2) it’s overwhelming, 3) it’s hard to disconnect from it, 4)it’s great to disconnect from it for a while, 5) it can be even weirder to try to jump back into the dwitterverse, and 6)it’s still so awesome, better than any support group I’ve ever attended. Eh–no good answers, except that I feel it too and it’s all good. Take a break when you need, come back when you feel like it. Love your blog, too, so thank you for that.

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