In Which I Address the Participants of my Monday Night Hatha Yoga Class

“Listen, y’all. I understand that this is probably all my fault. I should never have written a blog post about how much I love yoga. I was pretty much asking the universe to set me straight. And now, it looks like the universe has.

I know Monday nights are usually pretty busy around here, but seriously, give me a break — this isn’t a telephone booth in 1958.

You there: lady in the $260 spandex get-up. Remember in pre-school and kindergarten, when we all had to line up our nap mats against the wall in a neat and orderly fashion? You do? Could you please explain to the rest of the class, then, why you see fit to place your yoga mat at a caddywhompus angle that totally destroys the organization of the entire room?

And you, yogi hipster dudes in the corner: I’ve never really seen you here before, but I’m already terrified. I don’t know if they were having a sale on ‘Yoga Guy’ Halloween costumes at Spencer’s or what, but it looks like you’ve both really perfected the whole no-one-understands-my-newfound-Eastern-mysticism-not-even-my-wealthy-Presbyterian-parents look. The dread locks and Ganesh ringer tee are a special touch.

Also, I get the feeling you’ve been relying on essential oils lately more than, you know, a daily hygiene routine, and that’s cool. I can’t wait until it starts to heat up in here and I can experience the full effect that the jasmine essence produces when it unites with armpit stank. And look! You’re taking your shirts off — we’re already on our way!

I see that, while the rest of us are sitting quietly cross-legged on our mats, you guys are really working it out. Seeing you bust out the standing split for no reason is really inspiring me, but I’m not overly impressed. Why don’t you let all of us know when you’ve figured out how to thread your feet through the spacers in your ears? Then I’ll really be paying attention.

Substitute Instructor? Can I talk to you for a second? I know you just said that magical things are happening in our bodies right now. And I — I heard you use temperature of the room as an example. In fact, I’m pretty sure you were expressing your gleeful amazement that we’d managed to heat up the room with nothing more than the energy from our bodies. I guess that would be cool if we were in a 7th grade science class, but it’s August in Florida, and I’m stuck in this room with 24 scantily-clad strangers, and my towel is soaked, and it’s really starting to smell like granola bar breath in here, and —

Wait! Did you hear that? What’s that noise? Oh never mind, it’s just the yogi hipsters practicing their ujjayi breath. For a second I thought a Florida black bear was in here mating with a screech owl. Or a Velociraptor, if you’re listening to this lady across from me exhale with her mouth wide open.

Here’s the thing, kids: I don’t consider myself a yoga expert by any means, and I’m certainly not here to judge anyone’s posture or flexibility or anything. I just don’t want to smell you, and I don’t want to hear you, and I don’t want to watch you pretend like you’re at the circus — especially if you’re not wearing a shirt.

Unfortunately, we’ve been stuck in here for 20 minutes past the time that the class was supposed to end. I’m pretty sure my husband’s already started heating up a frozen pizza and is wondering where I am. I’m hungry, and my arms are shaky, and Substitute Instructor, I kind of can’t believe you just asked all of us to do something with our sphincters. (I tuned you out, and I won’t be following along — so sorry.)

So if you’ll all excuse me, I need to be going. I don’t think I’ve ever left a yoga class this much angrier than I was when I arrived, and I really hope it never happens again. To you five or six relatively normal people I see every week, I’m looking forward to setting my mat down next to yours next Monday. To everyone else, I’m begging: keep your shirts on, take more showers, learn to exhale without moaning, and never, ever do anything with your sphincters in public unless it’s solely your choice.

Namaste, bitches — I’ve got a decent-smelling husband and an Amy’s Margherita Pizza waiting for me at home.”

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20 comments on “In Which I Address the Participants of my Monday Night Hatha Yoga Class

  1. LMAO!!!! Okay, this is why I don’t belong to a gym.

    (I’m such a liar. The real reason I haven’t joined a gym is because I’m lazy. But that sounded good, right? In the future, this post is how I will justify the laziness to myself. So thank you.)

  2. Oh, oh, oh – you are cracking me up with this blog (I needed a laugh – up to my ying yang in work here). I would be feeling EXACTLY the same way as you were. Hope next Monday goes better for you – if not – learn as much as you can – and if you can practise at home – ohhhmmmm – then maybe that will be the root to go in future (though I have to admit – for me to do yoga – I’d have to be sitting on a beach – cool ocean breeze – shade of a tree – ohhhmmmm – just pulled my sphincter muscles (sorry blame it on the baked beans/weiners and beer I had for lunch).

  3. Kim says:

    Okay, you had me chuckling to the point of snorting over here. Snuckling, if you will.

    I especially enjoyed the use of “caddywhompus”. Someone needed to bring that word back!

    Oh, and sorry about the smelly noisey people. 😦

  4. talesofmy30s says:

    I would have RUN right out of there at the mention of doing anything with my sphincter.

  5. Fiona says:

    That was hilarious!! And further affirmation that I should stick with my yoga DVD. I would not have been able to keep it together when the instructor said “sphincter.”

  6. Renata says:

    I just TOTALLY blew my cover at work. This was the funniest damn thing I have read in a long time. We moved from Seattle, so I could picture those guys completely.

    YOU are AWESOME. And I know if I was on the mat next to you we would definitely end up in stiches across the street at the bar.

  7. Sherry says:

    I go to yoga classes too and this just resonated with me on so many levels. I laughed… I cried (because that’s just how hard I was laughing)… Hilarious!

    I loved “Namaste, bitches”

  8. I am not a Yoga person but this made me intrigued ! Lmao, hilarious.

  9. Scully says:

    Looks like the karma of publicizing your love for yoga bit you something fierce! I come here to laugh my pants off. Always a good time!
    There’s always next week.

  10. April says:

    You know what? I was actually thinking about seeking out a gym with a yoga class, buying the cliche mat, and purchasing some ridiculously tight yoga-outfits. But now?! NO WAY! One night at this class would scare me away…back to my yoga DVD where she tells me I’m doing good, the only stank is me and no one has to see my less-than-perfect body in those tight ass outfits! Hilarious post by the way!!

    • Jacquie says:

      No! You should totally go — or at least try. 99.99% of my experiences have been good ones.

      And I would never think to call someone out for not looking perfect; it’s the complete shamelessness and showboating and inconsiderate behavior that gets my goat.

  11. Jen says:

    You had me at sphincter!!!
    I just died laughing at work!

    I’ve had wonderful experiences with yoga…and then I’ve had practically IDENTICAL experiences to what you wrote about…minus the sphincter!

    I also had a time where I was putting my body into such weird positions that kept smashing my needle…that my pump kept going off with NO DELIVERY alarms. AWESOME!

    Have a great weekend!

  12. Karen says:

    Namaste, bitches. Could we please have a t-shirt for that?

  13. Rachel says:

    OMG this made me PEE! HAHAHAHAHAAH Soooo dead on!

  14. Matt says:

    This post made me laugh more than I have all month.

    Thank you. SO MUCH.

  15. Irish Gumbo says:

    I agree with Karen: a “Namaste, bitches!” t- shirt would be awesome!

    I seem to recall some ‘characters’ like that from some of the yoga classes I took. Sphincters, however, were never a topic of discussion. Yikes.

  16. nikki says:

    Oh my god, you are so funny.

    Karen – i would buy that shirt in a heartbeat…

  17. Dude, I’m totally convinced that exercising brings out the crazies.

    Did I ever tell you about the guy doing push-ups in the locker room at the YMCA? Naked?

    Mmmmmkay…

  18. […] into the mix. My knees hurt. I have to go to the grocery store. The Y is too expensive. And crazy sphincter lady actually bought the yoga studio I once loved, so that’s […]

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