I can’t imagine that any of these are original, but here they are, anyway:
1. Insulin smells weird. My 4-year-old nephew claims that it smells like “boont” (translation: burnt), but I’ve always thought it smells like a Band-Aid factory. Either way, it’s unmistakable — which is helpful when you’re on the lookout for tubing leaks or faulty reservoirs.
2. The breath mint in your purse ain’t gonna cut it, but thanks anyway. Every once in a while, if I tell someone my blood sugar is low, that person will offer me something like a Tic-Tac or a Ricola. And I appreciate it, I do. But for someone who’s in the throes of a low blood sugar, handing over a lint-covered cough drop is like feeding a sea monkey to a starving walrus. It won’t hurt, but it doesn’t quite do the trick, either. Also, you might get attacked.
3. Yes, I wear my insulin pump all the time. Exceptions include: while showering; in dressing rooms; while swimming; during select dog walks; when I forget it and drive to work without it. When you ask me if I wear it “ALL THE TIME” and give me a wink, it makes me think you’re a pervert.
4. All needles are not created equal. Compared to flu shot needles and IV needles and blood draw needles and many other stabby things, infusion set needles and insulin syringes are like fairy kisses. This is because insulin syringes are designed to reach subcutaneous tissue, which is the relatively shallow space between fat and muscle. Other needles are designed to stab into your muscle and veins and make you cry.
5. My insulin pump is not very smart. As much as I value my mechanical pancreas on a string, it’s basically useless without a constant flow of input, calculations and button-pushing from the diabetic who is wearing it: me. Insulin pumps cannot replace or duplicate the magical series of natural events that keeps people without diabetes healthy. Insulin pumps don’t do all the work — we do.
6. It’s DI-A-BEE-TEEES. Rhymes with “sneeze.” And “Belize.” And “the bee’s knees.” Not “Hiya, fetus.”